She's tired of crying. Her tears have all been cried out and she feels as though blood could come out in its place any moment. Her eyes, swollen and throbbing with hot pain, are now nothing but two red slits. She's been crying since yesterday morning, cried herself to sleep last night, and now she's crying herself to sleep once more. She thinks, 'God, can I just cry myself to death?'
She feels her head spinning as she tries her best to get up from her makeshift bed on the floor. She reaches out for the nearest wall and tries her best to steady herself, all but in agony. Too much pain in her head and too much memories make her sick and she's ready to just bang her head on the wall to lose them all. She wishes she can just hit her head hard enough to die.
She hears soft breathing from somewhere inside the room and looks over to where her daughter is. There's her baby, sleeping in peace in a soft bed, innocent face subtly illuminated by the light seeping through the window cracks from the light post outside. She chooses not to sleep beside her child because she doesn't want her bothered by her incessant crying.
She's so overcome by emotions as she lumbers herself toward her direction. She sits on the bed, careful to not wake her up with her movement. She touches her cheeks and she feels herself welling up again. She loves her daughter so much. She has always saved her from herself. But this time, she is way beyond tired and she can't be saved anymore.
'Your daddy has found you someone else, baby. Your daddy found you a better mommy. I always decided not to leave because I thought you will need me most. But seeing that your dad has found you someone so much better than I am, I think I'm useless here now. I am a fucking useless bitch, he said so himself, and maybe, he's fucking damn right.'
She feels so used and beaten up. He didn't hit her this time, unlike all the other times they ever had a fight. She's got no cuts, no bruises, yet she feels like her whole body is bruised just the same. She's aching, too much aching, and delirious because of the pain shooting through her like thunderbolts. This life is such a torture and her body is now caving in to the pressure of all this fuckedupness she's going through.
She gives up. She doesn't want this shitty life anymore. She doesn't want to continue fighting for something that's too impossible to get. One chance is all she wanted, but he could never give her just that. One try to make things better for her daughter. One shot in reinventing herself and having a great family life, but that dream has finally crashed around her when he has denied her for the nth time. He would rather waste it all by choosing somebody else over her and discarding her like she's just some used tissue full of shit. All six years of physical pain and emotional torture finally got to her, this time.
As much as her breathing is being such a painstaking task right now, her heart is so fucking broken that she doesn't think it will survive anymore. She has tried to mend it over and over in the past years and maybe, finally, it's just better for it to stay broken this time. Maybe her heart is too overworked, too battered and tired and maybe she just wants it to stop beating for fuck's sake.
She's drafted her will and has been thinking of her timeline since last night. She wants to leave as soon as possible. She doesn't want to be here anymore than she wants to be anywhere else. Maybe she will be stuck in oblivion and that would be a whole lot better than being in this shithole.
She's coming home, wherever the fuck home is. Maybe she's really as bad as he said she is, and maybe that will get her to hell. She doesn't think her fuckedupness will get her to heaven. Perhaps, she just doesn't care where she goes at all.
She's done. Finally full of this crap they call life. She doesn't want to be here anymore. She just wants out.
The day she decides to die, she does.
AND SHE DECIDES TO DIE:
A MEMOIR